**Disclaimer; I originally had not listed the actual sizes, but for making of several points I put them in there. It is not my intention to be prideful, gauche, or vain about my size, but rather make a point.**
This morning started like any other; I got up, took a shower, and attempted to get dressed for work. This morning I went to grab a dress that a friend gave me out of her closet. I pulled it off the hanger and saw the size and the manufacturer.
“Hrm, that’s a size 8 in Anne Taylor I don’t know if that will fit me.”
It’s amazing to me that after all of this time and all of the weight loss; my default response still is, “I don’t know if that will fit me.” That’s the funny thing about weight loss your body may change, but you mind needs time to catch up.
As I slipped the dress over my head and reached over to zip it up I prepared myself for the prospect that it wouldn’t zip. In my mind the friend that gave me this dress is super skinny and there is no way that it would fit me. I even said;
“Well, it’s a size 8 in Anne Taylor it wouldn’t surprise me if it didn’t fit.”
As I easily slid the zipper up to the top I was shocked.
“They most likely cut it big.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks my response wasn’t; look at all of the hard work I’ve done, or, look at how amazing this is. No my first response was they cut it big. I feel like I’m the Drew Barrymore character 50 First Dates because every day I have the same level of shock and awe when I put on the size clothes that I am putting on. You’d think that at a year plus into my weight loss journey that I’d be accustomed to it by now.
This is the mind fuck that clothing manufacturers do on women. There is no standard sizing. I have in my closet at this point everything from a 6 to a 10. Granted truthfully some of the 10s are starting to get a bit loose, but still there is no consistency. This is one of the reasons why as I’ve lost the weight it has become so hard for me to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I actually have shrunk. It’s not until I see pictures of myself that I truly see the difference.
I know it is going to take time for me to settle into this new body. Now that I am 4.5 pounds away from my final-not kidding-ultimate-Mary and I both say no more goal number it will finally start to hit me. I will start to become more confident when I walk into clothing stores and stop going to be “big girl” section first. Right now, in this moment, I’m still defaulting to the response that I have had for years the expectation that clothes aren’t going to fit me. Maybe one day that will stop, but after years of that condition response it is going to take time. In the meantime, I will continue to wake up every morning and be just as amazed and giddy when clothes fit.