Thinking Ahead

A few weeks back a local running store had a “sidewalk sale”.  They were trying to clear out the winter stuff and the remaining stuff from last summer to make room for the crop of this years gear.  I headed over hoping to score a new pair of Altra’s, but instead came out with a pair of shorts and a long sleeve running shirt.

At the time I posted on a Facebook group that I started with some of my friends to encourage each other.  My status read, “Bought a pair of shorts today that are too small (they were on the 50% off rack). Gives me something to work towards.”  Some of the responses that I got in return were not exactly what I would call motivating;

nyah, take them back and get something that fits…you said you were swimming in your blazer…nice fitting clothes are a better motivator than too small…if too small clothes were really a motivator, most of us wouldn’t have a closet full of “someday” clothes…..”

I didn’t buy these shorts to motivate me because they were too small.  I bought these shorts because I knew that by the time summer rolled around I would be IN these shorts.  Why not buy an amazing deal (normally $50 on sale for $15) when presented with one?

When I got them home on March 15th and tried them on they were too small.  I could get them up and over my hips, but they weren’t even close to zipping. However, I was proud that I could get them over my hips! They were 2 sizes smaller than anything in my drawers at that time.  That was nearly 10 pounds ago.  Today while I was picking up and straightening my bedroom I picked up the shorts and though, hmmm, I wonder…..

IMG_5986THEY ZIPPED!!! Granted they aren’t as loose as I am comfortable wearing, but they are up and zipped and I can sit down in them.  It’s not quite shorts weather yet, but by the time that it is shorts weather they will fit more the way that I like shorts to fit.  Although, if I were dating a butt man he’d be in 7th heaven.

I think the thing that I am most astonished by is that my friends were trying to poo poo my purchase.  Look, I know that I have struggled with my weight. Heck, most days I’m just thrilled to be half the size of my mother.  This time though it is different.  Not only am I working with Saint Mary, something that I have never done before, but this time I am doing it for me.  I am not doing it for the Navy.  I am not doing it for any other person other than myself.  I wanted to do this for me.  More importantly, I’m not doing it in any way that can possibly trigger any of those pesky dark places that I was exceptionally worried about.

The people I surround myself with I thought would be happy for me.  Instead, they are saying things like, “I’m getting too focused on the numbers” because I wouldn’t buy a dress a size bigger so I could zip it myself (the smaller one fit but I couldn’t contort myself to get it zipped).  No! I am not going to buy a dress a size bigger when a.) I will be out of it in no time and b.) damn skippy I don’t want to buy clothes that are a size bigger I don’t want to go back I only want to go forward.

See, I see myself every single day. I don’t see the changes that my body is making.  I see them in the numbers, both weight and measurements.  It’s not until I actually try clothes on and I am able to purchase smaller clothes that I actually have something that I can wrap my brain around.

Now, I will admit that every day is a struggle to not cheat on my journal by saying I ate something that I didn’t actually eat, or work out more than I said I would.  I know, though, that if I actually did do something like that not only would it send me spiraling into the dark place, it would also completely derail all of the progress I have been making by listening to Saint Mary. She has science on her side and science trumps all other things.

I’m very proud of myself.  I’m proud of the progress I am making. I’m not where I need to be or want to go, yet, but these shorts are an indication that I am getting there.  30 pounds down, 25 more to go.

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