Where is my hammer

I’ve always struggled with my weight.  Even as a child I struggled.  When I decided to go into the Navy I went completely off the deep end.  I won’t go into the gory details, but if you look up the term exercise bulimia you’ll have a good idea of what I was going through.  Every.  Single.  Morsel. Was an obsession.

At my heaviestWhen I got out of the service I went to the completely opposite end of the spectrum.  Partially due to a toxic relationship I was in, part of it was depression (see toxic relationship), part of it was my inner sloth getting to take over.  It’s amazing how you can loose yourself.  “It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” -Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay  How very true those words are.  That’s me, on the left, at my heaviest in 2003.  It was after that picture that I started to put my life back together.

Why is all of this relevant now?  Because I am ready to take a hammer to my scale.  I know how to loose weight; both healthily and, well, unhealthily.  I promised myself I would never become that crazy girl (again) who after eating a 90 calorie yogurt would go out and run until all of those calories (plus a few extra) were burned off.  Yet, I find myself obsessing over the scale again.

MapMyFitnessI’m currently working out 5-6 days week.  I’m running 3 of those days and doing back to back classes (barre and spin) on the weekends for cross training.  I’m tracking all of my workouts on MapMyFitness to not only keep me honest, but to keep track of my progress. I’m using it mainly for my time splits during running and to log all of my miles.  I really want to run a race in Delaware next year that I have to be able to maintain a sub-12:00 minute mile.  Plus, I’m getting ready to start my half marathon training for the next race I’m running.

All of that said, I know I’m healthier.  My times are getting better.  My lungs don’t burn as much.  My endurance is up. My shape is changing. My clothes lay different.  I’m able to fit in clothes I haven’t been able to fit in before. I should be happy.  Yet, I’m not.  Why?  The scale has not moved a single ounce.  I know I probably should throw the thing away (it’s not broken though I’d like to take a hammer to it) and just go off of the way that I feel, but if I do that I lose all accountability to myself.  I use it to keep me from become that 2003 girl again.IMG_5303

I know that muscle weighs more than fat.  I also know that when you are closer to 40 than you are to 30 that your metabolism slows down.  I also know that all of those things I did in my 20s definitely were not good for my system. I just wish the freaking scale would start moving in a southerly direction. Seriously.  Before I actually DO take a hammer to it.


One thought on “Where is my hammer

  1. You are so beautiful and wise. What a great post. I have definitely been the exercise bulimic. Learning to love those muscles makes such a difference. If I could go back and undo all of the things I did to hurt my system……live and learn.


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